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I Don’t Hate My Mother, I Just Prefer To Stay Away From Her!

Featured, Jay's Thoughts

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Many are experiencing motherhood for the first time, many are feeling the pains of a high-risk pregnancy, many are hurting because of infertility issues, many are grieving the loss of a fetus or a fully formed child, many are grieving the loss of their deceased mother – and for some, she’s still alive but the relationship is dead. Many don’t even know who their mother really is. Me…I know who she is, I have just enforced boundaries for my mental health because I don’t hate my mother, I just prefer to stay away from her!

Mother’s Day isn’t always filled with happy chatter, stuffed teddy bears and balloons, and lunch prepared in her honor. Mother’s Day is also painful, emotionally draining and quite complicated for some. Mother’s Day isn’t all rosy for everyone, especially when their mother is alive but the relationship is dead.

I Don’t Hate My Mother

I wish I had a cherry photo of me and my mom that I could post on Instagram as everyone else is presently doing but I don’t. Some of us aren’t fortunate to have a doting, loving and respectful mother. Some of us were blessed with mothers whose struggle, tough love and unhealed trauma pushed us away but also made us better mothers.

I never want to be like my mother.

Frustrated by the toxicity of her relationship with her mother, Caribbean blogger & podcaster Jay Blessed, wrote a deeply personal essay titled, "I Don't Hate My Mother, I Just Prefer To Stay Away From Her!"

I admire her resilience, her strength, and determination as a woman. But she has failed terribly as a mother and seems very content with that being her legacy and her children’s reality.

Ep. 5: “Letting Go Of Toxic People…Including Your Family!”

This isn’t a “bash my mom” post but rather an “I’m grateful for what she has taught me NOT TO BE” essay.

“It’s not all just chemicals. Your mother’s always been a fucking sadist where you’re concerned. That demon is not in your head, and it’s going to take more than therapy to get rid of it,” – Tamara Mellon, In My Shoes.

My mother had me at age 15. My daughter will be 15 years old in two months.

My grandmother was not always kind to my mother and therefore didn’t equip my teenage mother with the emotional tools and skills to be a “good mother.” What is a good mother anyway? Everyone’s philosophy varies but I know without a doubt, I AM A BETTER MOTHER to my child than my mother was to me!

Unhealthy relationships with your parents can cause feelings of depression and anxiety.

Abuse was what was used to cope, manage, deal with frustration and parenting because talking about your feelings and freely expressing your emotions to a Caribbean parent was never acceptable.

“Do as I say, not as I do.” – Every Ole School Caribbean Parent

As a child, I tried my best to win my mother’s affection and attention. I was a straight-A student. Overachiever. But though she seemed proud, it was never good enough. Imagine being 10 years old and going to school with a belt mark across your face.

I’ve been through some shit with my mother and because of that, I rebelled. I became promiscuous, maybe because I was sexually abused as a child, maybe because I never had the affection of my father or maybe because I just wanted to be held…needed to be hugged.

My mother rarely hugged me. She would my brother. The child she bore into her marriage. But my sister was raised by her dad and step-mother and I was left to be with my mother who would morph from dedicated mother to monster.

Ep. 45: “Raising A Caribbean American Teen” (with Mimi Blessed)

I remember finally sharing with my mother that an uncle – her brother – had molested me and her reply was, “We’ve all gone through that hun.”

Since starting therapy a few years ago, I have since acknowledged that my mother and deceased grandmother have traits of mental illnesses. But trust me, my mother would never admit this shit.

Jay Blessed started seeing a therapist to unravel her childhood with her abusive Caribbean mother.

There comes a time in your adult life when you just have to really act like an adult. No more, “my mother did…my father wasn’t…”

You are responsible for your own healing.

And whatever cost that may be right now, just like your mortgage, car note and bills – YOU HAVE TO BOSS UP AND PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR HEALING!

“Taking care of self is the new black.” – Common

Self-care is saying – I am going to do all I need to do, to be my best self, to live my best life and to be totally free of the things, thoughts, and people that hold me back and keep me down! I will be the best person I can be, including the best parent.

I had heard all the stereotypes, truth and lies attached to being on medication for your mind. When I heard of it, it always made me shudder. And in order to not be stigmatized as crazy, I told myself I’ll just go to therapy and exercise and meditate and pray about it. But you can’t pray away diabetes. You can’t pray away hypertension. You can’t pray away chronic migraines. You must take action, and for some, take medication. I had been through enough trauma in my life, that most people could never survive. But also, I wanted to be my best self so that I could be a better mother.

Depression can be passed on to your fetus during pregnancy. Mothers should always be mindful of the effects of their thoughts and actions.

Realizing that many of our parents have passed down generational traumas and genetic disorders are the reasons why we should choose to take better care of ourselves FIRST so that we break those generational curses and deal with those genetic imbalances, to give our children a clean slate.

After not seeing my mother for years, I saw her last year for one day and she reminded me of why I chose to stay away. With emotions high, she said aloud, “When I die, don’t come to my funeral. I will haunt you!” To which I responded, “I wasn’t planning on coming to your funeral anyway!”

Motherhood Is Hard As F*ck! Overcoming Mommy Guilt.

It hurt. I cried. I prayed. I had to talk about it because as the child, I felt like a failure but it wasn’t me. It was never me.

This year I ate humble pie and called her on her milestone birthday. She pretended she didn’t know who I was and hung up the phone. When I called back, she ignored my call.

My mother is a trigger. She raises my anxiety. Even as a grown adult, she makes me nervous. I have to tip-toe around her emotions and still try to balance being a whole adult living an adult life and not a scared child when she’s around. I also don’t want or need her energy around my daughter. It’s a kind of toxic positivity that she displays and I know it’s not genuine. It’s almost as if my mother is jealous of the relationship I have with my child and then tries to pick apart our relationship or even plant verbal seeds of insecurity to her grandchild.

But God always provides.

Three generations of black women.

I am eternally grateful for the women who have stepped in to fill the gap in my life, to be mother and grandmother and even great-grandmother to myself and my child.

Without a doubt, I know the experiences I’ve had with my mother has propelled me into being the best mother I can be for my child and my daughter is proof of my good work as a mother. I may have fucked up many times in my life but never as a mother. My child is the good fruit of the work I have done in my life and continue to do in her life. I am forever grateful that God chose me to be the vessel to birth her and be her caretaker on earth. My daughter is every good part of me, and more. She is a beautiful soul and everyone that comes into contact with her can attest to this truth.

CLICK to Listen to Jay’s Caribbean Mental Health Podcast

I know her development is a direct result of my work as a mother, including turning the trauma of my childhood into power, to give her what I would’ve emotionally needed as a child; love and affection, words of affirmations, consistency in actions, allowing her freedom to truly express herself, real intimacy and honesty, the ability to talk about anything without being scolded, giving her the tools to be a free-thinker, doing my best at being her superhero and not her enemy. 

Jay Blessed is a super mom busy nurturing her teen daughter in a mentally healthy and loving way.

As for my mother, not everyone was called to be a mother. Some were called to give birth. I am forever thankful for the sacrifices she has made for me when she could’ve chosen abortion. I wish her nothing but the best and hope she really finds her true mental and spiritual healing one day, and that she tries to mend the broken relationships with herself and her children.

I don’t hate my mother, I just prefer to stay away from her – for the sake of my own mental well-being and peace.

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Last modified: August 14, 2020