Motherhood Is Hard As F*ck! Overcoming Mommy Guilt.

After last year’s viral essay, I Don’t Hate My Mother, I Just Prefer To Stay Away From Her!, I didn’t know what I’d write this year…didn’t really even want to write this year. However, today I mustered up the energy and courage to pen another piece on motherhood, this time from my own experience because motherhood is hard as f*ck!

To be honest, I prayed before I wrote this…cried even. I don’t think most people really understand how hard it is to be a mother, but more so, a single mother living a public life, constantly judged and torn apart by life’s demands and challenges, while stomping on people’s perception of who and what she should be.

Before you read, I pray you open your heart and mind to receive my words. This is not meant to be instructional or even inspirational but I do pray that you find healing, freedom and peace. I just wanted to share some of my personal thoughts with you, in hopes that at least one woman will shed the guilt and shame that many mothers silently battle and find difficult to admit. This is a safe space.

Overcoming Doubts…

God has blessed me with a damn near perfect child. Though she is destined to make her own mistakes in life, I know that I am raising a self-aware, self-sufficient and autonomous child who is being healthily prepared to navigate life head on. She’s becoming fully ready to take up her rightful place and conquer this world…with me in the wings – unflinchingly waiting to be her supportive mother!

I have spent many days on my floor in tears, wondering how I would make ends meet to prepare for her college expenses and to take care of her and myself, all while struggling with the demands of my own life. Sometimes I’ve used my super powers to stop everything just to show up for Maya, other times I’ve failed and she had to take second place, as I situated our lives. Many days I’ve beaten myself up with guilt, shame and self -loathing thoughts. I never wanted to be the bad version of my mother but I often questioned if I had some of her traits. I fought my mom’s dark shadow every time it appeared and then sunk deep in sadness, hoping that my daughter would never hate me; hoping that she would always love me. Praying that, when it’s all said and done, she would know how courageous I was, how much I infinitely loved her and how I moved mountains to ensure she had the best life!

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Overcoming Mommy Guilt…

I’ve had to make some very hard decisions over time to be present for Maya, be strong for Maya, be available and in my right mind for Maya.

I had to work the day of her pre-school graduation, does that make me a bad mother? You made sure her father was there to support and make sure her day was extra-special Jay.

I missed her elementary school graduation due to work, does that make me a bad mother? You had to be in Baltimore for work Jay but you prepared everything and her step-dad and Aunty Simone made sure she was good.

I wasn’t able to make the PTA meeting these last few months, does that make me a bad mother? Sis…you made every Parent Teacher Conference and always stayed in communication with the Principal. Do you remember when showed up as Mama Bear via email to her Math teacher? C’mon Jay!

I flew out for personal meetings and left her with aunty does that make me a bad mom? You provided a safe space for her to be when you were absent Jay. They love that child and she is one of their own!

That time I gave her to her dad and his mom to care for her for 9 months while I worked nights and got my life together, did that make me bad mom? You mean that time you were able to focus on your career, start work at that law firm and meet the man you would later marry, who gave you both a great life and even helped you start this website?

That last relationship that broke me down to my lowest self and she saw me deeply depressed has to make me a bad mom. You are human Jay and even in your lowest moments you are able to show Maya how to pull herself together and keep going. Never let a man OR BOY get you down!

The abortion I had two years after I had Maya, surely makes me a bad mother. You knew you couldn’t handle two babies as a single mom Jay and you made the best decision for your life then and you’re still effortlessly making those hard decisions now.

That time I contemplated suicide because things were too much, that definitely made me a bad mom right? Sis….aren’t you here today, ALIVE and writing this essay on the hardships of motherhood?!?! C’mon Jay be easy on yourself.

Definition of a Good Mother…

I have been tested and tried by life but my motherhood has never been questioned by intelligent folks. To be honest, my motherhood has only been questioned by me, asking myself constantly, “Am I a good mother?”

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What is a good mother? I think everyone’s personal definition may vary but for me, a good mother is a maternal life guide who knows her child is of her but not hers. A good mother is a woman who becomes her highest and best self to responsibly lay the healthy foundation needed to give her child a wholesome life. A good mother knows “her child” is really God’s gift to the world.

I’ve had the support of friends who’ve helped me along my motherhood journey. Friends turned family who were able to be present for us. Those who stood in the gap for me and showed up for her. Those who were able to allow me space and time to freely explore my full humanness and womanhood, while being a well-rounded mother.

I am still a work in progress and this motherhood thing ain’t no overnight success! I’m in a good co-parenting space but it wasn’t always that way. I’ve had to use the shameful court system but we all good now. I’ve had to force a parent to take care of their child. You know…the parents who show up during the celebrations but can’t be found in the trenches. The ones who relinquish their emotional, physical and financial responsibilities for someone else to handle. Yeah…. motherhood is hard as f*ck!

Ever Felt Guilty For Choosing You?

I’ve been employed by organizations where I was one of few black women and sometimes the only mother, which really played deeply into many aspects of my life – time off, sick days, showing up for a special occasions, choosing between my child and my job – my overall mental health.

I’ve been married and divorced. I know what it is to have healthy male support in the home and the positive attributes of a father. I also know what it is to live my truth and choose my own path in life, and not what everyone expects of me.

Being a single mother again is different this time. Maya is older now. Now the pressure to usher her into womanhood as she prepares for college is a bit daunting and scary but I won’t let anxiety weigh me down.

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How I Overcome Mommy Guilt and Shame

I may have messed up terribly in so many areas of my life but the one thing I have confidence that I am doing well (even as I push through my crazy life) is being a good mother. So when I feel low, I combat those feelings by doing things that re-enforce the fact that I am a damn good mother!

GOSPEL MUSIC: There is something about music that is quite therapeutic for me. But every time I play gospel, it reminds me that I am human and that there is a greater force within and around me that’s turning my mess into a message, my test into a testimony and my life into ministry. It also calms my mind and puts me the right head space to tackle life’s hardest challenges.

Here are a few songs that have helped me through recently: Kirk Franklin’s “Just For Me,” Tasha Cobbs-Leonard’s “Your Spirit,” William McDowell’s “Show Me Your Face,” Tamela Mann’s “Change Me,” John Pee Kee’s “Life & Favor,” and James Fortune & FIYA’s “The Curse Is Broken.”

HONEST CONVERSATIONS: I sit with my child and have honest dialogue about all aspects of life but I also ask her honest questions, regardless of if she will hurt my feelings. I was raised to not question my mother. As I maneuver my own style of parenting, I have made a conscious effort to reassure my daughter’s confidence to speak, while creating a healthy space for her to fully express her deepest feelings without shame, judgement or retaliation.

Some of the questions I ask her are: Are you happy? Have I done anything that displeased you? How can I better support you? Is there something you need that you do not have? Is there something going on in your life that you want to talk to me or someone else about? How can we improve your life? What frustrates you most? How can I be a better mother to you?

If I am struggling in an area, I have honest conversations with family and friends, even my therapist, who help me navigate those hardships.

QUALITY TIME WITH MY CHILD: I have been blessed to afford Maya many experiences, with and without money! Her happiness is of paramount importance to me. Her idea of fun evolves with age, however, I make sure to be an active party-starter and participant in the joys of her life! So whether it’s looking over her homework, movie night at home, a Jacquees concert, a trip anywhere or just spending the day in her room, I will do those things. Spending time with my teenager from a distance, while she entertains her friends at home, has become a new a form of quality time.

My Greatest Desire For My Child

Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs you will ever have in life. It is a 24/7, life long position and not every woman can handle that responsibility. I have not only been blessed to carry and birth a child but also blessed to provide for her, create a safe environment for her and blessed with lessons of my past to wisely instruct her for the future.

I wish above all that my child be better than I ever could be. I wish above all to teach her all the things I never knew and not just give her all the things I never had. I will continue to be a positive guiding force in her life, as she evolves into her authentic self – ready to takes up space in this world.

This mothering gig might be hard as f*ck but I was made for it! I salute all mothers and maternal guides who are tirelessly doing the damn thing and being great mother figures to their children! We are doing a great job!