Cardi’s impassioned plea on her platinum hit single Be Careful became the overnight anthem for many heartbroken women, torn in relationships with unfaithful and unappreciative men. As the song blasts while I scribe my latest thoughts on a matter than resonates with many of us in relationships, the ferocity of her voice I initially heard as a warning shot is now replaced with confused pain in the form of a frustrated letter of disappointment to her lover.
Seriously ladies… how many of you have ever had a man break every promise he’d ever made, lied through his teeth, violated your body – your trust – your intelligence, then come lay in the same bed with you like everything was normal…like nothing never happened? Have you ever had someone put you through unforgivable shit and then gaslight you into believing it was all your imagination or not as big a deal as you made it to be?
I once had a man who was always apologetic, after the fact. Always after the fact. No matter how I kept explaining to this adult to just stop doing avoidable things that would not require apologies, he consistently and disrespectfully ignored all my wishes. Yeah…he was sorry alright…a sorry POS!
“I could’ve did what you did to me to you a few times” – Cardi B, Be Careful
I had to take some time to simmer before I wrote a response to Offset’s public video apology to Cardi B BUT THEN another video of him popped up after he crashed her performance set this weekend at the Rolling Loud concert.
This couple actually inspired a post I recently wrote on cheating HERE. In case you missed Offset’s apologies, review them below…
This was his initial public apology and plea to spend his birthday and Christmas with his family…
View this post on Instagram
“I like texts from my exes when they want a second chance…” – Cardi B, I Like It
Then homeboy unprofessionally and narcissistically crashed her historic performance as the first female headliner at the annual Rolling Loud concert…
Start Blaming Your Man For His Cheating Ways – Not The Other Woman!
My sister-friend and boss attorney Midwin Charles posted this tweet that summed up what really took place on that stage!
Please do not show up to your ex’s job to beg for forgiveness. That is harassment. And selfish. And embarrassing. And manipulative. And could cost your ex their job.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
— Midwin Charles (@MidwinCharles) December 16, 2018
It’s hard enough trying to have a successful marriage, however, maintaining a high profile marriage in the pubic domain has to be an excruciatingly arduous task. The continuous public scrutiny, cyber bullying and humiliation can be detrimental to the psyche of the abused. And that’s exactly what’s happening here. Offset characterizes the behavioral pattern of many men who violate their women, then give airless apologies and show up with big, shiny things to win or distract them from the fact that the pattern has not been broken and will continue. *Insert Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before” here.*
To add further insult to injury, a few unsavory male public figures like The Game, Savage 21 and T.I., have contributed to this public fiasco by advising Cardi B, in their best f_ckboy stance, to take him back and make it work. A uniformed showing of toxic masculinity from men guilty of either publicly bashing, degrading and/or cheating on their women.
“And fuck your little fake ass friends, Come around actin’ like they my bros… Cardi B, Thru Your Phone
ACCOUNTABILITY
Why is it that the onus is always on the woman to suffer her pride to take the man back but rarely ever would you hear passionate outrage by others, ESPECIALLY OTHER MEN, beseeching their friends to DO THE RIGHT THING? Where are the men who hold other men accountable with a heavy dose of ACT RIGHT? How about the men who are aware that their homeboy is emotionally, psychologically, financially and PHYSICALLY abusive to their women yet pretend that’s not their business? Or those who fail to issue a heavy dose of ACT RIGHT in the form of saying to their boys, “The next time you put your hands on that woman brother, we will all f_ck you up!” Where are those men? Do they exist? Or are they silenced by those who are always ready to tell a woman how to feel, what to accept and what she should do?
Where are the videos of conscious men holding Offset accountable to being a better man, a better husband, a better father by honoring his vows. You can’t expect a f_ckboy to school another f_ckboy on how to be a good man. Instead, you’d hear chorused views on how “good a dude” he is really is, “everyone makes mistakes” and other rhetoric that continue to emotionally violate women by forcing them to accept emotional abuse and pain as love.
A real apology is changed behavior. An insincere apology is often laced in covert manipulation and subtle acts of controlling the narrative and is most often done to soothe the transgressor’s conscience, boost their ego and fulfill self, rather than giving the violated what they truly need – which is for the violator to never do that shit again!
To the men who’ve become profusely apologetic after violating their wives, were you simply repentant because you’re sorry for getting caught or are you sincerely remorseful with true intentions of actually stopping and breaking a harmful pattern?
If any man is serious about righting his wrong and staying with his woman, then he’s got a tedious job ahead in healing her heart, earning her trust and rebuilding her perception of how much he makes her feel respected and valued.
“You even got me trippin’…You got me looking in the mirror different. Thinking I’m flawed because you’re inconsistent.” – Cardi B, Be Careful
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
Cracked cement symbolizing broken trust between people or parties
It’s hard to give up on a relationship you’ve invested years, children, resources, energy and memories. It’s even harder to look back on your life years later regretting you’d put that same energy back into yourself, your dreams and your personal goals. A healthy relationship builds you up, elevates your mind, nourishes your soul and feeds your body positive energy. Anything and anyone that brings you continuous stress, crushes your esteem, makes you doubt your worth and leaves you feeling less than you know yourself to be, is not worth keeping.
Marriage is hard work. Infidelity occurs. But there comes a time when for one person, once is too much and for another, three times is the max! Men cheat – they said. Stick it out and make it work – they said. Stay together for the children’s sake – they said. How many times would you subject yourself to being disrespected and emotionally abused before you’ve had enough? A real apology is changed behavior. And if you keep accepting apologies for the same shit, then you only have yourself to blame for accepting this mistreatment. There comes a time when loyalty and devotion turns to stupidity and delusion.
Everyone is going to have an opinion but you are the one that has to live with your decision. Weigh the pros and cons and try to envision the future. If you believe things will keep getting worse, let it go. But if you believe your relationship can develop into a healthy, flourishing partnership, then you both need to put 100% into that joint effort.
“All I can see is you and her in different scenarios, Beyonce on my stereo, Resentment on repeat…” Cardi B, Thru Your Phone
FORGIVENESS
For those violated by a cheating mate, take your time. Healing from being cheated on once is shattering. Healing from multiple instances of cheating is devastatingly damaging. Be easy with yourself. Allow healing to take its natural pace. Analyze your wants and needs. Then make sure you’re in this relationship because it’s right and healthy for you and not because you’re being pressured by family, friends, your children or your lover to stay.
If you’ve agreed to work through it, constantly bringing up the past can stunt positive changes. If you’re seriously committed to staying in this relationship, allow yourself the grace to release the resentment.
“Actin’ like there ain’t n_ggas that want me. Let another n_gga in your spot, and you gon’ be hot…” Cardi B, Ring
Fellas, redemption is available to all. If you’re contrite for breaking her trust or for being caught cheating again, then listen to what your woman says she needs. Allow her space and time to think, grieve, emote and heal. Whatever she requires to stay and work through the relationship – provide it. You are not in the position to negotiate or dictate how and when her healing should occur. If you really want to save your relationship, be open and committed to counseling.
Trust is earned and it takes a long time to rebuild. Be patient with her heart.
Once trust is broken it’s a tedious task to repair. But when trust is continually violated, you’re taking already broken glass and purposely obliterating it. Now try putting that back together with an apology!
“A n_gga only gonna do what you allow.” – Cardi B, Ring
Sis, only you know what you can handle and what’s best for you. Let’s stop romanticizing pain in relationships. Do you value yourself enough to walk away – temporarily or permanently – from a situation or person that induces mental anguish and emotional distress in your life? Ain’t nobody got time for “waste ah time” people.
At what juncture in an untrustworthy relationship will you say enough is enough?
At what point in time do you choose to listen to your gut and take heed to the red flags?
At what point do you cut your losses to save your time and heart?
Is it worth having a man to the detriment of your peace and loss of yourself?
Let me share valuable game that will save you time and major heartache – PEACE OF MIND is far more valuable than a piece ah man!
Cardi B and Offset are NOT relationship goals. Neither is Will and Jada or Oprah and Stedman. The real relationship goal is the one you nourish, build and maintain with yourself FIRST! When you truly love you, no one will ever be able to treat you like a doormat.
When someone shows you who they are believe them.
We are not giving these men any more chances in 2019! TIMES UP!
WordPress
Google + 
Facebook